You’ve seen good people and so you imagined perfect people, Even more you made yourself believe and think you’re perfect. It was easy to make you feel and believe it since you’ve always saw the worst in people. All your bitchin’ and hatin’ on them make you feel less vulnerable. It made you feel stronger than you are. But it’s time to finish your dreams. Yes, you are only dreaming. While all your friends were growing up you were still playing your little childish games to make you feel more comfortable with yourself and your life. It’s time to face the truth: you’re still on the same level as you was for years and just because your mind is telling you those people are stupid and laughable doesn’t mean you’re right.

This little blog was supposed to be mostly about smart things- things I wrote. But I think I’m going to change the whole meaning of it. There will be still posts from me about things or part of chapters I wrote but it’ll be also just a blog about stuff I’m thinking - which is,to be honest, also something I wrote since I will put it in words ( but it may doesn’t have anything to do with the books/novels/short stories I’m writing). Also I will try to keep this little blog more up-to-date like posting once a week maybe.

Quite many people are thinking the worst of me.. But they can laugh about me as much as they want to. One thing will never change: they can’t laugh me out of my opinion, of my dreams, of my goals,of that little piece of myself that I’m calling my life.

The more people I meet, the more am I obliged to have quite a few people I’m actually appreciating. And quite less from all of them I’m calling my friends. I think it’s nothing worse about having just a couple of friends. I don’t think you need many friends. But at least I know that I can trust my friends. I know if I’m telling them any secret at all, they will keep it and they’d even die for fighting the secret. 

& I know that those people will be always be there. No matter if I’m making a big fool of myself or if I’m wearing the ugliest outfit at all. They will never,never laugh about me. They will always believe in me no matter how creepy my dreams and goals may appear to them. And that’s why I will always do the same for them.

I just have to write about an actual author. I’m rarely impressed by today’s authors. most of them are just - I don’t want to name them stupid but mostly they don’t hide a meaning behind their words and that sucks big time!

As a girl who loved literature at school the most - don’t matter if it was in her native language or one of the languages she just got to know at school - I was always looking for book like the one we were talking in literature classes - with like a huge meaning behind the lines. sometimes it was hard to understand the whole something. Genius authors like Shakespeare,Bronte,Goethe - that was always my world and I actually thought there won’t be anyone like them anymore today. It’s so much harder to find a real meaning behind today’s books. Of course it’s enjoyable to read books without big intension too. You don’t want to think too much always and forever but I was missing books with a huge meaning - something that could actually help me understand my own life better and guess what?! Yes,I found an author who’s just amazing!

I’ve got a thing for erotic novels lately. I don’t know why or how but I started to like them and yeah so I found out about Megan Hart. Lately I was reading two books of her and I totally loved it. I don’t want to tell you much about it - of course it’s a lot about sex but there’s actually always a meaning behind the lines you will mostly find out between the lines and in the end .

“There’s nothing that says you can’t change.” “Not even if it changes everything else?” I shook my head. “Not even then.”

So all I want to say is .. I found a new love. I think I felt in love with books all over again…

How can you overcome boundaries
if your  chains paralyze you
your limits are weighing so heavily on you
like this and that
an elephant, an animal
all matters
because you only think about tomorrow
today will be vanished tomorrow
and if you’re leaving today
tomorrow ain’t happening

Caught in the solitude of the crowd
everyone’s the same but on his own
Claims here, commitments there
where  can  you switch off, forget, take a break
How can you be yourself
simply nowhere
Caught in the solitude of the crowd
One life in a million


And if you look around you
The faces are all the same
harassed by the change of time
What  you can do today, do not put off till tomorrow
But what if tomorrow never comes?
What if the bonds never break?
You are trapped in the here and now

What if your love locks
The key to happiness disappeared into the sea
If tomorrow is closer than it is today
and the largest room  makes you still restricts


Caught in the solitude of the crowd
everyone’s the same but on his own
Claims here, commitments there
where  can  you switch off, forget, take a break
How can you be yourself
simply nowhere
Caught in the solitude of the crowd
One life in a million


You are never scandalized
you’ve never came through for anything
you never got to know yourself
1 million years later
everything is still the same
You are trapped
You are feeling like you’re in a cage
time to break out
Become the outsider of the insiders



Caught in the solitude of the crowd
everyone’s the same but on his own
Claims here, commitments there
where  can  you switch off, forget, take a break
How can you be yourself
simply nowhere
Caught in the solitude of the crowd
One life in a million

Caught in the solitude of the crowd
everyone’s the same but on his own
Claims here, commitments there
where  can  you switch off, forget, take a break
How can you be yourself
simply nowhere
Caught in the solitude of the crowd
One life in a million

After that little review of 2011 I just want to thank a few people who made my year amazing,wonderful & saved me from all that shocking moments ( just want to mention my little long stay at the hospital & all things that happened because of my stay)….

Esther ♥

My wifey comes first of course. I still don’t know how we met on the internet. I’ve no idea. Anyways we found each other and it was like the best thing in 2011 for me. You’re more than just one friend & I totally miss being around you. We may have met only twice but it’s like I know you forever and even before that time.

The best thing I can say about you is: you’re the most caring someone I ever met! I’m always trying to tell you how amazing you are & the reason is I think you are most underrated girl on this planet - probably because you think less from yourself than anyone else… Well all I want to tell you w/ those words is: I love you & I’m totally glad & lucky to have you in my life & I will never,never,never trade your for anything. You’re one of the best parts of my life & I hope this will never change! ♥

Daniel ♥

well Mr. Daniel Durston comes #2. It’s not like I’m overracting or anything but he got a huge,huge impact on my life & the decisions I made in 2011. There were many sleepless nights.. I was thinking a lot about my life, about the people who always “wanted the best for me” but put me always in a place I know I never would fit in. I always wished for a family like his , because actually I was always afraid to destroy my parents dreams. But somehow I got the strenght to do what I want to do. Every day I was waking up to one of his tweets - even the ones who wasn’t for me- everytime I was listening to his voice and songs - it just like I got a little bit more power to stand up against my family & start living my life without being pulled back again. & this is like the best compliment I can give out anyone.

he made me belive in myself like I’m worth something ( I never got this feeling before) so yeah. I’m just totally glad & happy & lucky that I “found him”. He’s the most inspiring person for me, my life, my dreams & just even for all the boundaries everyone was setting up & I finally got crashing down.

Elena ♥

#3 but definitely not less important to me than anyone above. All I can say is : thank you. thank you so much for always being there for me. I just want to mention all the sleepless nights on the hospital. all the days I didn’t know if I will survive the next day. I actually didn’t made it that public but you knew that I’m so lucky to be still alive after what happened in spring. & you was always there for me. I don’t even want to meantion all the times you were visiting me in L.A. or when you stayed up all night just to talk to me & listen to my problems and everything. I just love you ♥

I know it’s nothing new for you but you are more than just my best cousin. you’re really my best friend & I love you from the bottom of my little weak heart.

Tammy ♥

oh well 2011 wasn’t much the year of us. We weren’t much in touch over the year & yeah we had a big & huge argument in summer because of that Munich thingy but yeah I think we got over it & all I can say is: I#m so glad that you are part of my life. That little visit in germany a few days ago was just the best thing I’ve done in a while. I’m so so happy that we could spend the weekend together & I’m so so so looking forward to january. I just had to mention you here because you are one of just a few people I’m actually trusting when it comes up to my new life & everything that belongs to L.A. ♥

thank you for always being here & my fingers are still crossed for your exams :]

well if you found yourself in here you can call yourself lucky because you most definitely had a big impact on my life in 2011. :) ♥

since 2011 is almost over and I use to look back always on the end of the year this is my little review of 2011…

2011 started w/ a little vacation to the united states. Well actually I didn’t believed that I would call this country my home a few months later. I did and I can’t regret it.

2011 was full of fragile things… some taught me who to trust, some told me to let go of the past. All I can say about 2011 is: It was another chapter of way to myself. I still don’t think I found me & myself. There’s a lot still to discover. I always thought music would be everything to me but I found some more things and music became less important lately. I don’t wanna say that I don’t love & live music that much now, but some things are just more important now.

Talking about the summer… I realized that some people doesn’t have a own life.. that some people even in management positions or really close to those positions shouldn’t been trust easily because they can make up rumours and lies as well. I learned that sometimes your first view of a person isn’t right.

But the best thing about this summer I could have learned was meeting some amazing people. I found a really real amazing friend & she even became my “wifey”. I learned that some friendships has to end. Not because you want to - just because it’s all about a band and if you do not believe everything or if you act kinda critical your so called friendship can’t survive - especially if some people are trying to break your friendship for months…

anways I learned to be myself. I learned who to trust & I learned to live on my own.

you may think that I knew to be on my own before. that’s right. But since I moved to Los Angeles this fall I learned to do everything by my own. It’s not only tidying up the house,shopping and stuff like that. It’s more like I’ve to take care that there’s enough money all the time. I’ve to fill up the fridge, doing my work,homework,studying for college and everything. I’m living almost on my own & it’s harder than I ever thought.

But all I can say about my new life is: it’s amazing. I don’t regret anything. all changes I did were needed & I still thing it was the best idea I ever got so far. I love Los Angeles from the bottom of my heart & it’s like my real home. I don’t miss germany as my home much. All I’m missing are my amazing friends and sometimes my family too…

So 2011 was full of changes, tears, laughs, ups and downs as any other year before. But 2011 was most definetely the year of CHANGES.

I’m glad I got all those experiences but now I’m looking forward to 2012 - maybe it’s gonna be finally the year of LOVE?!